Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
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[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Sharon I have some bad news
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work