That earthquake could have been an email.
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Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this