barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
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One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Carpe DM
Raisins are grape jerky.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.