[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
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*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.