Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
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HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Dietest Coke
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!