Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
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7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
how to have fun when you’re poor
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer