Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
You Might Also Like
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…