So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
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I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Yup
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence