My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
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I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life