accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
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*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’