Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
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You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.