Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
You Might Also Like
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.