me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
You Might Also Like
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.