[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
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That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
yes… yes…
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
I love the honesty
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes