Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
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[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Me trying to reach for my goals
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired: