Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
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I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente