*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
You Might Also Like
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.