I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
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MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
what could possibly go wrong?
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!