[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
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Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.