I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
You Might Also Like
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??