Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
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What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo