“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
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Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
I feel this so hard
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Can’t, holding a grudge
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut