I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
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My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I am never leaving this website
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.