[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
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No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser