What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
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Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
just witnessed a drug deal
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.