HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
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The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.