Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
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If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Why font matters.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day