Liquor Store Parking
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So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
*gets down on one knee*
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.