I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
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My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Good morning
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy