[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
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Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Just parrot things
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
“What?”
– Jude
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt