Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
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If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
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Me: Candy123
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J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.