If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
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Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
*names my little horse OneTrick*
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*