Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
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Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
We’re all getting idioter.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!