yeah not falling for this one
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[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Punctuation Matters. Period.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon