In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
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Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Saving my good tweets for marriage
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.