I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
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Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair