finally found a reasonable question
You Might Also Like
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…