So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
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I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
starting a garage orchestra
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”