I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
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I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Feels
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
stand with me against insufficient seating
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants