[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
You Might Also Like
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.