My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
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[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.