tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
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One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.