-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
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Every work meeting this week
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.