[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
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[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.