Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
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Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Sharon, call the vet
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.