I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
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ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help