I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
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Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
I wish this was real life…
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.