Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
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I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
One of the best
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up