Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
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The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Meme Monday.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.