Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
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It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
[eulogy]
line?
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process